Keen young hopeful drops dead while following plan for ‘successful’ people

IMG_0720A young woman who was sure she was headed for the top, has been found dead at her desk, it has emerged.

The tragedy is that Katie Jones, was found with her laptop open and displaying line after line the following statement: “all work and no play will make Katie a super CEO one day”.

Friends admitted she had not looked the same since she got promoted at the start of the year: she had been told that one day she would be in the ‘hot seat’.  Not only had she started to dress more like a corporate CEO, in dull greys and with a company pin on her lapel, she had taken to trying to become a super human.

It is reported that she had taken to:

  • Exercise furiously before breakfast, again after breakfast and once more at lunch time before a final high pace form of yoga at 2200.
  • A morning ritual of holding in her bowel movements.  Apparently this level of mind of body control is crucial for the CEO of the future.  She was allowed to go at 1130 for 1.5 minutes.
  • Planning her calendar with the resolution of 30 seconds, from 0700 through 2100 for 12 weeks in advance
  • ‘Mindful’ reading of 50 success related articles on LinkedIn per morning while simultaneously learning the art of levitation
  • Pill popping a cocktail of vitamins and plus Ritalin to boost concentration
  • Submitting her Fitbit data to her boss to secure she was seen as doing enough and being in line with the plan
  • Volunteering in her spare time to secure that her CV was rounded
  • Sleeping only 4 hours / night in stints of 20 minutes

Sadly, her fear of judgement of not being good enough had driven her beyond the edge.  Little did she know that actually the CEOs of her company have empty calendars and play a lot of golf.  They just make it look like they’re busy so employees don’t ask too many questions about their massively over inflated pay packages.

It has been reported that Katie has been replaced in the succession plan with another equally keen person willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good.  This is satire; nothing here is true.

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